Can I just tell you that I am so emotional right now that it is not funny; I did not realize that one person could have so many tears, wow! It is just a rough week; I am cutting out as many Carbohydrates as possible and it is very difficult, I am so tiered that I want to do is sleep and I can’t. I want to take a day off work and just sleep all day long; but I keep reminding myself that I only have 12 more days and I am going to have a couple of weeks off, and four of those days are going to be in the hospital resting so I will get plenty of sleep then.
The night that I went up for my consultation with Dr. Belnap; we had to watch this video about the Gastric Bypass surgery. In the beginning of the video there were going around asking “SKINNY” people what they think when they see some one who is over weight. Some of the things that these people were saying were absolutely horrible.
They were saying everything from; they have no self control, they like to over indulge, I think that they need to try harder to be skinny and work out. These are just a few of the things that they were saying. I was very difficult for me to watch.
Having had a weight problem my whole life, knowing that I have been on diet after diet since I was five years old. I took it personally because I have tried VERY hard my whole life to loose weight. I have done everything; I have been able too loose weight but never been able to keep it off. It is not easy; and with having the genetic back ground that we have we don’t have much of a chance.
Well the surgeon was telling me that with some people there weight problem is because of the way that they eat. Some people are over weight because the have back genes. He was telling us that there is a gene that is as old as the cave man; not every one has this gene but it is there. It makes you store fat wither you need to or not. It can not tell the difference.
Well thinking about this video makes me think about something else that is a real peeve of mine. I hate the way that society makes me feel; allot of times I feel like I am not even a person I am just some thing that is taking up space that could be used for something better. I know that I am not the only person that feels this way.
I hate it when you are in the mall of a grocery store and some one walks past you and make eye contact with you; only to shun you and look a way when you acknowledge them and smile at them. It dehumanizes you and I wish that it didn’t happen as often as it does.
I look forward to the day that all man kind is equal and there is not prejudice between any one. That would be a perfect world and I don’t see it happening any time soon. I am glad that I have a husband that loves me the way that I am; he thinks that I am beautiful and loves me just the way that I am. I love that he thinks that I am sexy; but you know he is behind me 100% when it comes to this surgery and that makes me happier than anything.
He wants me to be happy and healthy and if this is what it takes then he is okay with it.
Now that my surgery date is getting closer I would think that I would be getting nervous; but I’m not, the closer that it gets the more excited I get. I am ready to have this part of my long journey over with and to start the next leg.
It has been a long ten months but I have learned so much I have become so much stronger and I have learned to relay upon my savior to guide me and get me through; he never steers you wrong. I have relied on him through this whole process to make sure that I was doing the right thing and that I had made the right decision.
I know that there are two people on the side who are rooting for me, I am sure my Grandma Tom (Hard) is behind me I don’t think that she would want me too have the same life that she did; I don’t want to die like that. The other person is my Dear Sweet Destry; when I went to his viewing I lost it I was crying so hard that I could not breathe. His mother told me that Destry was telling her the day before he passed how much he cared about me and how much he loved me. He was always saying that he was concerned about me and that if he had the money that he would pay for me to have a Gastric Bypass; there has been more than once that I thought he was near me. I know that he is happy for me and behind me all the way.
Well this is my longest post; I just have allot on my mind tonight. Thank you all for your support it is seriously what is getting me through this right now. It is hard and trying; thank you I love you all!
Ronda Gardner
1 comment:
I thik that you are changing your thoughts and reflecting a lot. No worries..if you didnt have feelings or mood swings i would to think tthat you weren't ready for this! THis is only proof that you are truely thinking it through! so dont you forget you are human!!!!
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