Another New Year…..

As another year comes to a close, there is a lot to look back and reflect on. This has been a year for new beginnings and tragic endings.

The one thing that has been on my mind of late is the lost of my best friend Jackie Hutchison. Her death was not a surprise or at that a shock; I knew the summer of 2008 while she was in Utah visiting that she wouldn’t be with us passed a year. Since she had her daughter Emma Jo, her health went down her. She worked as a nurse for many years and had injured her back in a car accident thirteen fourteen years ago. When she had her daughter when they put the Epidural in her back they did something wrong and finished completing the damage too her back.

She had back surgery to repair her bulging disc, (L4) they put a rod in her back and fussed it. That did not do anything to help her; in fact, it made her problems worse. I watched her go in for spinal blocks that didn’t do much to help her, and then watched her health decline even more when she started with a pain clinic. In the end, they had her on so many different pain meds that her body couldn’t handle them. Gastric Bypass patients bodies don’t absorb everything, it mal absorbs everything and on July 19, 2009 her poor body said no more and her heart just stopped. When they got her death certificate cause of death was from a high toxicology.

I love her very deeply and feel her lose very strongly in my life. We had not talked in almost a year when she died and I would give anything to go back in time and fix things between us. I also didn’t get to say goodbye to my best friends so I didn’t get to have that closure you get from going to a funeral. I know that I cannot and there is no use in regretting the past; it does no good to deal on what can’t be changed. I have told her that I love her and that I am sorry about everything that happened between us and have faith that no of that matters any longer, what is past is past.

I have watched the health of other people that I am close to decline; they are fighting a strong battle to regain strength to continue with life as normal. I have lost a few friends but have made many new friends that have made a major difference in my life. I have learned over the last few months who my real friends are and who my fair weather friends are. I have discovered a lot of about my self over the past year.

Take my back for example; I did not think that I would ever be able to deal with what Jackie was going through. Now I am heading down the same path that Jackie was on when she died, they want too send me to a pain clinic. Dr. Clifford thinks that I would benefit from it, but the thing that scares me about it is that they deal with many pain meds, and I really cannot handle many pain meds and do not really want them either.

I trust Dr. Clifford with my life and will consult with him about my treatment, he works at the pain clinic I will be going to and will be able to work with the doctor I will be seeing very closely. I think that it could be a good thing; I am waiting to see what Sedgwick is going to let me do. All I know is that I am in a lot of pain and that something needs too be done about my back; I cannot handle much more.

I have a bulging disc at 7 mm and four herniated disc about that, and am constantly in pain. There are days I can barely stand up and walk I am in that much pain and I find inner strength to push forward and keep going. I will keep all of you updated over the following year about my back and what is being done, I am thinking about looking into the surgical route.

I have had many trials this year but overall it has been a good year. I am starting to think about the goals that I am going to set for my self for 2010, lets see if I can see them through. Maybe if I blog about each goal when I accomplish it, it will keep me honest and going . I hope that 2009 was good for all of you and that 2010 will be even better.

See you in 2010 I love you all thank you for the love and support!

Updates

First off I want to wish all of you a Merry christmas; I hope that if was filed with the love of christ and the family that you love and care so much about. Our Christmas was wonderful, we put in a special request to santa and asked him to come to our house early. My sister is assistant Manager of Walkers oil gas station in Lehi and she got to open the store Christmas morning. She worked from five in the morning till one in the after noon. We had Christmas on christmas eve because santa said that he would come to our house first. My dad is in tight with the big man; for those of you who don't know my dad is one of santa's many assistance's during the christmas season. I will post some pictures of my parents dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Clause. They are cute!

It was nice to go to bed christmas eve and know that I didn't have to get up really early too open presesnts. I got up between seven and eight because my brother and sister in law came over for breakfast. We have christmas Breakfast together every year it has become our family tradition, so that they can have dinner with her family.

I did not feel well on Christmas day, I was up all night throwing up and with diarrhea; and did not feel well at all that day. On top of my stomach that was upset with me, I had a wicked headache, and the worst of all was my back.

Sarah and Hallie because we had Christmas on Christmas eve went to see the movie Alvin and the chipmunks with our friend shandy Christmas day. I stayed home and watched Harry potter and The Half Blood prince and played on the computer. Our friend Stephanie came over to visit that night.

I love christmas, it is the perfect time to tell the one's in your life that you love them. The birth of Christ is the most precious gift that any one could have given us; and it doesn't matter what religion race or creed that you are that birth plays a part in our lives. It is through him that we are all here and through him that we will have eternal life. I hope that we all stoped for a moment on Christmas day to remember or savior and the impact that his life had on ours. He is truly the the most precious gift that our father could have given us. I don't care what religion you are I hope that you set a side a moment for reflection on what it is that you believe in.

Update:

I went to a specialist about three weeks ago for my back; he is a spinal rehabilition specialist. they sent me too him for a second opinion, they want to send me to The Nexus Pain Clinic. But I have to tell you after watching what my best friend went through over the last four years. She had back sergery, they put a rod in her back and fused it; and from what I saw from a distance she went down hill from there. Spinal block and pain therapy didn't help her one bit. I blogged about her death a couple of months ago. I talked to her husband Joe last Saunday too see how him and the girls are doing. He told me that they got her death certificate and she died from all of the drugs that the pain clinic had her on. She was using Fentanol Patches, Methadone, oxycodon, Loretabes and those are only the ones that I knew about. Her poor body just decided that she couldn't take any more and it gave up.

So here is my dilemma; I am heading down the same path that Jackie was taking. I need to make a decision, do I want to go to a pain clinic and take my chances, trusting that Dr. Clifford can influnence my form of treatment. Or do I request to see my own doctor for my own second opinion, and see if they will let me see Dr. King, he specializes in Holistic Medicine and doesn't believe in the use of pain meds. I think that I would really feel safer going that route than the other.
I am still waiting too see what the Dr. said, and what Sedgwick is going to let me do.

All I know is that I am sick and tired of being in pain and I just want it too go away and I don't want to deal with it any more. But I don't think that it is going to be that easy. When I find out what is going on I will keep you all posted. I want to Thank all of you for your well wishes, love and prayers; they help me more than you will ever know.

Tis’ The Season…..

Every year at Christmas time I am filled with the spirit of Compassion and Love. God’s Presence is all around us in everything that we do, and say. I find my self wanting to reach out and help the homeless mother who doesn’t have any where for her children to sleep, and to be able to give the beggar enough money to get a warm meal and a warm safe place to sleep.

There is so much degradation and loss in the world around us that it makes my soul cry and my heart bleed for everyone who doesn’t have what I have. Even though we go through our rough patches, we have what we need to be able to live. My parents are wonderful and let is stay in there basement, and as grateful as I am to them I want more than anything to have a place of my own. I don’t think that they will ever know just how grateful I am to them and how much I truly love them, they are angles and I know that they love me or I would be sleeping in my car.

I know that life isn’t always going to be easy, It was never meant to be easy.. We face trials on a daily basis no matter how big or small they are there. They help us to become the people who we are meant to be. We can’t grow and advance in this life if it were a bowl of cherries and we never had to worry about a thing and always had everything handed to us on a silver platter.

There are thousands of families apart this Christmas because there mother, father, husband, wife or child is over sea’s fighting in the war against terrorism. There are even thousands more than that who will never spend another Christmas with their loved one’s because they are no longer with us in this world; because their lives came to a tragic and horrific end or it was just there time to go on. The thought of children getting up on Christmas morning, having one of there parent’s absent from this world, brings a tear to my eyes.

My best friends family, The Hutchison family is one of those families who are facing there first Christmas with out there beloved mother. She passed a way five months ago and it left a huge gaping whole in all of our lives; and I pray that the sweet and tender mercies of the lord with be with their family and any other family who has had the loss of a loved one this year.


Christmas to me is the perfect time to celebrate our saviors birth, The most priceless gift that any one could ask for or receive. Lets not forget to take a moment this holiday season to stop and reflect on the life of Jesus Christ our Savior and remember the ultimate sacrifice that he made for us. It is through him that we will all have life eternal, and will conquer death. Through him all things are possible, if we only but open the door and allow him into our lives we will want for nothing.

Let Christ into your heart, let him carry your burdens; he has once already in the form of a cross. He’s burdens are light and he will give rest to your soul. I want to wish every one a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka, A Happy Kwanzaa, or just a Happy Holidays.

The Innkeeper by Joyce Carr Stedelbauer

The night fell like a blanket on the hills and valleys of
Israel, a black blanket tucked into every curve and cave where
Isaiah had promised 700 years before that.

The people that sit in darkness will see a great light.

For a child is born to us, a Son will be given to us, and
the government shall rest upon His shoulders and His name
will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal
Father, Prince of Peace.
Isaiah 9

Mary and Joseph had the Word in their hearts when they
arrived at the Inn in Bethlehem needing a place to rest. They were
in the precise place that the Father had ordained when He spoke to
Micah the prophet centuries before … Bethlehem in Judah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We call you old in the Christmas pageants, perhaps
you were merely a young son, sent to unbolt the door.
We malign you as mean-spirited and cutting
as a sharp wind on a lonely night.
We accuse you of our locked hearts, there is
no room at the Inn of the Soul.

Frantic with preparation of food, frustrated
with stacks of gifts to buy, bills to pay,
overwhelmed with cards to write, aggravating
burned out lights, exhausting parties and pageants –
are the angel wings on straight – careful
the shepherd doesn’t trip on his robe!

One snow-bright Christmas eve,
Great-grandfather Kennedy
taught me the lesson of the Innkeeper.
I poured more steaming coffee as we gathered
around the glowing Tree. Daddy added fragrant
pine to the fire, as the Grandmother – Angels,
softly singing Silent Night,
fluttered their imaginary wings.
Grandpa A.E., governor of Syria, ordered the census.
Our young son, as Joseph, readied the donkey-dog,
big sister cradled her baby doll and walked wearily
to the Inn of the Living Room.

The compassion in the Innkeeper’s eyes,
the caring in his outstretched hands,
the tenderness in his voice –
No room in the Inn,
but come with me to the stable,
the animal’s steam will warm you,
the hay is dry and sweet, there will be no charge.
You are my guests in this poor humble abo