MIA

It has been so long since I last blogged, there isn't really a whole lot going on in my life. My back is starting to feel better; I am not nearly in as much pain as I have been in over the past five months. I have been doing Traction for my back and I love it, it feels so good and I feel really good after I do it. Next week when I go to see Dr. Hardy he is going to release me; and I have to tell you that I am very nervous about this because I don't feel like I am ready to be in my own.

I know that this is something that I am going to struggle with for a lot of my life; and that it will get to the point that it is bearable but it is just going to take time. Dr. Clifford showed me some exercise to do to decompress my back on my own, I am going to start walking at work and I am going to start doing Pilates in the evening.

Not only am I looking for things that will help my back, but to get my weight loss going again. I want to loose this last seventy pounds, I don't want to be fat my whole life. Even though some of my friends are so sweet and tell me that I am not fat trying to make me feel better about my self. I don't feel fat but I still have weight that I want too loose. I want to weigh under two hundred pounds some day, that is the other thing that I want. I know that it's not important and that my husband loves me the way that I am but I want to feel better about my self and I think that, that is the only way that it is going to happen. That and having a butt lift, tummy tuck and a breast job but that is going to coast a lot of money and it may never happen and I will get to the point where I am OK with my body the way that I am.

I have been thinking about Jackie a lot the last few weeks, I really hope that they get the Autopsy report back soon because it is killing me. I want to know why she died, I have some Ideas but I don't want to speculate any more I want to know WHY? There is still so much regret there and I want it too be gone and done with but I know that it is going to take time. I am not going to dwell on the past because it is, the past I am going to think about our friendship and the wonderful times that we shared together.